In the movie “The Wedding Singer” Drew Barrymore played a
young lady named Julia who was planning her wedding. As we learn early on, the guy she planned to
marry was definitely not the nicest guy out there; in fact he is really a
terrible choice for her, or any woman who wants a faithful loving man by her
side.
One of the interesting take-away moments for me in this
movie is when her fiancee mentions that he is going to marry her because they
have been together for a long time and “she earned it” for sticking it out with
him. That is a telling moment, and
sadly, it can be all too true in real life.
Often people agree to marry because they have been with
someone for a long time, or just because deep down, they don’t want to move on when
they know a relationship is over.
Sometimes it is a result of an ultimatum given and the person
agrees to marry simply because they have grown comfortable with the current arrangement
and do not want to take the risk of the unknown.
I submit to you that if any of the above is the case, then
the relationship is already over, both parties just don’t realize it yet. Holding on to a dead relationship is a
disservice to both people in a dating relationship and if such a situation arises, it
is less painful to move on then it is to stick with it.
Over the years, I have seen and experienced the phenomenon
of people holding on, or maybe stringing someone along, whether knowingly or
unwittingly.
When I was 24 years old, I was dating a nice young lady for
almost 2 years. While we talked about
the possibility of getting married, in my mind that was in the distant future
and not a part of my present reality.
One day when visiting my parents, my mom asked me what my intentions
were for our relationship. I thought about it seriously and
realized I wasn’t sure. As our
discussion progressed and I wrestled with the idea for a bit, I told my mom
that I wasn’t ready to get married.
Her response was that I should make that clear to the girl I was dating,
because it wasn’t fair for her to have expectations I did not have.
Shortly thereafter we broke up, and I think
that was for the best for both of us.
For me, it was a learning moment about stringing people along; something
I would never do intentionally, but admittedly was doing unintentionally.
A few years later, when I was about 26, I met someone who
was 8 years older than me. We started as
friends, but ended up dating, because we enjoyed the same activities and
connected on quite a few levels. As most
people do when they are dating, we spoke of past relationships. I was also interested to know why an
attractive woman with a good career and a fun loving personality was still
single. The short version of her story is that she dated one guy for
10 years, then another for 5 years.
I
understood the first relationship, as it started in High School when they were
17 and ended when she finally decided she wasn’t going to wait around any
longer. She told me that guy was married
within 2 years after they broke up. She wasn’t the right person, even after 10 years. I did ask her though; why at age 27 she would
repeat the same pattern and date someone for 5 years. She kind of chuckled and said she didn’t
really know. In this relationship, I
applied the same principles I learned in the past. After we had dated for a
few months, I recognized that I wasn’t going to be the best person for
her. We talked about it and we agreed to
part ways amicably. A few years later, she got married to someone she dated in
the past, just because she was getting close to 40. She contacted me and told me the story before
she got married. It didn’t sound like a
great one and I told her as much. She
said that her sister commented that it’s cheaper to call off a wedding than to
get a divorce. That is good advice. Sadly, that marriage didn’t turn out well.
A number of years ago, a friend came to me one day, and told me that his girlfriend’s younger sister just got engaged. He said that he was now feeling the pressure
of that situation weighing on him as it was now his time to get engaged. I simply asked him: “Do you love her?” His response was to explain to me that they
were dating for a while and she was a really nice girl and so on. I asked him again if he loved her, with a
similar response. Unfortunately they got
married and a few years later it ended.
I could tell you dozens of stories, but I will just share
one more in wrapping up. I once worked
with someone who had been dating her boyfriend for over 5 years. She was in her late 20’s and finally gave him
the ultimatum. In January, as her new
year’s resolution, she gave him until December 31st of that year to
propose to her. He waited until the last
week of December. I lost touch with
her, so I can’t tell you how that relationship turned out, but would you want to get
engaged/married because the other person ran out of time to find another plan?
If you are in a dating relationship like any of these, do
not hang on. If you do not feel like the
person you are with truly loves you for who you are, or you don’t feel like
they are the right person for you, move on.
I know it is painful, but isn’t it more painful to hold onto something that
isn’t yours, only to find out after marriage?
Be honest with yourself and with the person you are
with. If you are right for each other,
there will be no question about it for both of you. If you don’t feel it, let the other person go
so that they can find someone who will love them the way they deserve to be
loved. In the end, you will be rewarded
as well, because you will be free to find the person you will truly love and
treasure. I know I did, and you can
too.
Remember, breaking up is a lot cheaper than divorce, from more than just a financial perspective.
